Friday, October 23, 2009

Belated Sage

The Sage had difficulty convincing the Oracle to step aside this Thursday. If you experienced high wind or high water as a result of this celestial discussion, rest assured that the situation has been resolved.

The Oracle would like to point out to all of this week's Seekers that those who look for something unseemly, are certain to find it.

1. The Sage understands your problem. Begin to call your fiance by the name of an old flame, preferably one he knows you had a serious relationship with. Enlist the assistance of his brother-in-law too, while you are at it. At worst, the four of you can play post office together, and with luck, you can break up two relationships at one time.

2. The Sage knows that lesser Advisors might suggest you put the painting on loan at a local museum, where it can be enjoyed and will be well taken care of. However, the Sage suggests that you hang the picture on a prominent wall with a headshot photo of yourself hanging directly above it. When someone asks if you are the subject of both pictures, you can tell them that you only wish you had a body like that.

3. The Sage believes that you should rectify this situation as soon as possible. This was your golden opportunity to paint yourself in the best light imaginable, while painting her father as the lout which he surely must be. Don't worry whether she might someday discover the truth and hold it against you. She'll just tell your grandchildren that you are dead.

4. The Sage recognizes that this is not about Granny, but about the fact that you are in need of an excuse not to take her shopping any more. When you enter the store, take Granny to the area where she is most likely to graze. Excuse yoursself for a moment on the ruse of collecting your Green shopping bags or some similar excuse. Locate the store's security guard or manager, and point out with horror that "that old woman" is stealing from them. Repeat at each store you take her to. Eventually, she will be banned from buying groceries anywhere, and you can order her supplies on-line to be delivered.


  1. Excellent advice as always, oh sagely one, but most especially for #3, who deserves just the future you've foretold for her unless she straightens up. Bravo! :-)

  2. I like the Sage advice about the painting. A headless painting is pretty creepy anyway and a head (could be a doll head?) above it would make it a true work of art!

  3. LW1: Of course, calling BF by name of ex has more impact if done in bed.

  4. #4 made me rofl! Nice work, Sage. :)

  5. Oh Sage! Thank you for your wisdom!

    My favorite part of your advice is to hang a head shot above the nude photo!!! hahahaha